Sebastian……. It is Florida, but not a touristy type area that international visitors frequent. Think small drinking town with a big fishing problem and Corona commercials. Sebastian sits on the banks of the Indian River Lagoon, where the Intoxicationers are heading today to rent a 22′ pontoon boat.
With all the essentials in hand (full beer cooler) we set off on a 2 hour tour. The weather started getting rough the tiny ship was tossed……….hmm….. Actually none of that happened, it was a beautiful sunny day, rare in September, and a 4 hour rental.
After a 30 minute cruise I drove the boat onto a sand bar, jumped off, planted a longneck on the beach and claimed these lands for America and the Intoxicationers; declaring that no man or women will go without a cold beer once in awhile. At least while I’m in charge here.
Motoring to a nearby island we found evidence that we were not the first people in these lands. Discovering the boat depicted below and the obvious damage from a large kraken we thought it best not to linger and instead move on to safer waters at least a few hundred feet away.
We slowly drifted away from the islands into the deep and treacherous waters of the lagoon. With each delicious beverage consumed I was becoming more acutely aware of my surroundings and the dangers that lay within. As a result I was aware and prepared when I saw a flock of Jurassic pterodactyl looking thingies (pelicans) approaching, obviously with evil intent.
I immediately manned the boat’s air defense system (rod holders) and attempted to launch an aerial assault; however I was thwarted in my attempts by lack of crew cooperation and any viable ammunition. I began shouting, “abandon ship and swim for your lives” , only then noticing that the attackers bombs from their bowels had missed and were falling harmlessly in the lagoon. HA HA HA they missed! I reveled in our good fortune and downed another longneck.
Just as I was feeling impervious to attack I noticed large ripples on the water and dorsal fins breaking the surface. My hand tightened on my beer koozy and I readied myself for the next threat. It appeared a large contingent of man eating amphibious creatures (bottlenose dolphin) were encircling our boat.
Not wanting to repeat my mistake with the aerial assault system I began to consider what resources we had aboard that could repel this impending attack…….Ahha empty beer bottles and gasoline. I had unknowingly prepared us for this attack by emptying numerous beer bottles into my throat. I instructed the Intoxicationers to rip their t-shirts into cloth strips and began to submerge the empty bottles into our fuel tank. Just then my crew members began to grab hold of me and say, “calm down calm down.” I was incredulous, how could they be calm when we all were obviously in peril! At this point I was worried and feared for my wife’s life as I had let her life insurance lapse just the previous day.
I then noticed that the creatures were blowing air out of holes in the top of their heads in a threatening manner. These appeared to be like torpedo tubes installed directly into their craniums. They were air clearing then flooding their tubes in preparation for the final assault. I thought, so this is how it will end, a torpedo to the pontoon. The swarming man eating creatures appeared to be taunting me, frolicking and playing in the water. I must admit my fellow intoxicationers aboard appeared to be calm, actually pointing their cameras at our attackers and accepting their inevitable fate. Its my belief I had prepared them for just this moment on previous Intoxicationer voyages.
Just then I heard a voice in my head. It was my old friend Captain Jack Sparrow.
I had last seen Jack in Malaga, Spain about a year earlier and we had quite an ordeal there, as I recall. What happened was Jack and I walked into this local watering hole and there was this senorita and …..and ………. never mind I’m getting sidetracked……. what Jack had told me was, “ If you find yourself in Sebastian waters, go due north and seek out Captain Red of the Pirate ship Calypso. he always has rum” Hearing Jack’s voice in my head seemed to bring back my resolve. I surveyed the situation. Taking the helm I brought us about and went full throttle to the north. I quickly downed another cold beverage, this seemed to lighten the boat and we accelerated even faster now. We were outrunning the attack!
After running at warp speed with our 50 horsepower outboard for what seemed like hours, I spotted the Calypso on the horizon.
Approaching the Calypso, I intended to hail Captain Red and go aboard for a wee bit of rum when our radio blared to life. It was the rental company calling , “Hey where are you idiots, your rental time is up.”
I can’t say I would recommend this adventure for everyone, but if you are the Indiana Jones type, like me or you routinely kayak over Niagara falls or something, give it a try
There are several restaurants, some with live entertainment along the shoreline if you want to stop in for lunch or dinner from your boat . They include Squid Lips, Captain Butchers, Captain Hirams Resort, Sebastian Tiki and Mulligans Beach House. Several other bars and restaurants are also available but they do not have docks.
If you are interested in doing this yourself, there are free public boat ramps in Sebastian and also Vero Beach to the south and Palm Bay to the north. If you need a boat they can be rented for 1/2 day or a full day (8Hours) from Captain Hirams or Sebastian Inlet Marina in the Sebastian area. If you have a large party, rent a pontoon boat. They are great for holding up to 12 people and easy to drive right onto the sandbars and spoil islands. The same area is great for kayaking also but there can be a lot of boat wakes on the weekends. Have fun and be careful out there.
Some resources for doing this yourself
Camping video – A great video of a couple guys camping on the spoil islands
Captain Hirams – In addition to a bar and restaurant they also rent boats and kayaks also a hotel if you want to stay overnight, killer bands on weekends nights.
Pelican Island Wildlife Refuge – info on visiting the refuge and boat tours that go there.